365 Days of Gratitude

365 Days of Gratitude

The trip around our sun has been draining. Regrets often rear their gloomy heads at first when the topic of earth's revolution around our life-giving star.

An unfortunately large part of my 16th year had yielded to melancholic moods, mostly inevitable, but nonetheless an utter waste of life-enriched time.Their origins are, like the regrets themselves, plentiful and near innumerable. Sometimes I wonder to myself how an extra push or jolt at given moment could have produced said result in such situations. For a depressingly large number of times, the counsel of my mind concluded: "Yeah, idiot."

I gave up on contemplating the possibilities of time travel after a (very long) while, and my sufferings happened to be next in line. Sufferings, being experiences that are differentiated from regrets not by process but by result. Sufferings, being toiling away my joy and rest, but to have it paid back tenfold and more to myself or others. Sufferings, being the prerequisite of happier outcomes. These, too, have been abundant. More on both the process and reward that in coming days.

My life had become somewhat of a horrible joke as well. The dark and heavy grays of my life served as a stark, almost humorous juxtaposition against the carefree pinks and yellows that seemed to be the common shades enriching the life of people around me. There was no refuge to expel my sorrows, and my only thought was to mask over and blend myself. All this time I waited for a breakthrough, some form of encouragement, some provision of comfort. It was like being in a pool, where you fight to break a tantalisingly thin glass barrier that denies a gasp of fresh air, air that would doubtlessly generate a stronger desire and potential to improve once inspired. I struggled. I drowned.

My period of depression was akin to a coma. I felt dead to the joy around me, less sensitive to the impact I wasn't making, and unaware of others that should have been made of me. My blindness to the most important of emotions were only matched by my indifference to significance, friendships, and, quite scarily, my own slump. Yet like any comatose, despite being cut off from external influences, my mind continued to ponder. Life churned into a routinely pace, one which I took no enjoyment in but had to search deep for motivation and energy to keep up with. There was only one source - friends. Once again, more on that in coming days.

Through all the bleak periods, my life soon brightened up. I was freed of responsibilities, and it gave me time to be myself again. I recovered, albeit at my own slow pace, and soon started to feel more like myself. The year soon showed its kinder side as well, bringing me together with the most amazing of friends that I've been missing. And the rest, although not the least bit boring, is history.

2010 approaches, and my mind stares at my resolution for next year in a tense deadlock as gazes remain adamant. Coming up with an annual goal has been a surprisingly easy task this year. Yet easy would be the complete opposite of my personal challenge. I remain sure of my stand as a guitarist, as an ISAC member, and a Dunmanian in want of a greater position to serve from. My mind is ringing loudly to stop me from setting my life up for disaster next year. My heart continues to tell a different, more positive tale, full of colours in a happier and more exciting shade. My consciousness is torn.

Yet no matter where I am headed, the weatherman has already confirmed the presence of looming storm clouds. And I am looking forward to finding my balance, a greater proficiency appreciation of everything and everyone, and the reveling in energy in every form. I look forward to 365 days of gratitude.

It's amazing how one video both captures my life in 2009 in the former half, and hopefully foretells the accurate path laid out before me in its latter.

What do you look forward to in 2010?